Executive Coaching

kari uman

Kari Uman

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“Executive Coach” Senior Associate

Kari Uman
Kari Uman, Senior Associate of Executive Coaching & Consulting Associates in Fairfax, VA, has more than twenty-five years’ experience as a coach, consultant, and trainer. Her particular experience and interest in gender issues, and their impact on relationships and performance, enables her to help individuals change behaviors that are undermining their best efforts. As a professionally certified coach, Uman’s approach and methodology has helped executives and managers enhance leadership skills, improve relationships, develop better self-management capabilities and manage conflict more masterfully. In her work coaching women executives, she helps them become aware of self-limiting behaviors and attitudes, create a more positive self-image, explore the myths and beliefs that are undermining their effectiveness and develop both behaviors and strategies that enhance their success. Ms. Uman was recently featured in an article in Kinfolk Magazine, In Conversation: Group Dynamics.

Ms. Uman also works with teams: the interplay of one-on-one coaching with members of a team while simultaneously focusing on team dynamics has helped her clients develop collaborative behaviors and increase trust among team members, improve personal and team accountability, and improve productivity by individuals and the team as a whole. Ms. Uman specializes in gender dynamics within teams, woman-managed teams, and teams where women are in the majority. She helps these teams identify the behaviors that undermine others, and develop both an attitude and behaviors that help the team members and leaders become more powerful and effective.

As a certified organizational consultant, Ms. Uman specializes in conducting organizational assessments and developing reports that illuminate the patterns and themes of organizational behavior, enabling organizations to move positively and effectively into a successful future.

As an organizational trainer, Ms. Uman designs, develops and conducts a broad array of workshops including leadership development, teambuilding, career development, running effective meetings, and managing gender differences. She has received the certification as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) designated by the International Coaching Federation.

Her clients include:

  • Crestline Hotels
  • Georgetown University
  • Intelligence Community
  • National Cancer Institute, National Institute of Health
  • JBS International
  • Russell Reynolds Associates
  • American Psychological Association
  • Software Engineering Institute

Ms. Uman holds a B.A. in Sociology from the University of Wisconsin in Madison, a Master’s in Education from the University of Maine, and certificates in Organization Development and Leadership Coaching from Georgetown University. Her experience includes serving as an instructor at George Mason University, Georgetown University, Northern Virginia Community College and Mt. Vernon College. She is certified in aa array of assessments, including the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI) EI.20 (Emotional Intelligence) and EI 360, Change Management (Prosci) and was also certified by William Bridges and Associates to conduct workshops and provide consulting services on managing organizational transitions.

Men Managing “Mean Girls”

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Understanding Their Dynamics to Achieve Greater Results in Your Organization

by Kari Uman

The recently released movie, “Mean Girls” examines the relationships between high school girls and the cruelty they inflict upon each other by gossiping, backstabbing, and sabotaging one another. If this sounds suspiciously like the dynamics among the women in your office, you might be witnessing a grown-up version of “mean girls” adolescent behavior: women using passive-aggressive behavior (behavior that is neither direct nor obvious about who is the instigator) 10, 20 or 30 years later against other women to deal with anger, frustration, and feelings of powerlessness in the workplace. Women who engage in these behaviors shift the focus away from the organization’s mission or customer needs to the internal dynamics of the team.

Men managing teams of women often find this behavior confusing and bewildering. If you have no more idea how to deal with these behaviors now than you did when you were an adolescent (remember scratching your head in disbelief when you watched this behavior among many of the girls?) but want to see greater results from your team, here are some tips that will help you achieve your organization’s mission and shift the focus back on your customer’s needs.

  • Model Professional Behavior – The most important thing you can do is to model the behavior that you want others on your team to use. Make sure you are not engaging in the same behaviors that you want others to change – no gossiping, sabotaging, or backstabbing (yes, men can act this way, too.) You will most likely see people behaving respectfully towards others if you model that behavior. Acting unprofessionally gives people permission to do the same.
  • Develop Norms and Hold Employees Accountable for their Behavior – As a team, develop a list of norms or “rules” everyone wants to live by to create the kind of workplace where everyone can excel. Discuss what everyone will do to hold themselves and others accountable. Establishing norms gives people permission to intervene when they see someone going against the norms and raises the awareness of their own behavior.
  • Facilitate, Don’t Triangulate – Triangulating means using a third party (e.g. you!) to manage a relationship between 2 other people. If employees come to you separately with complaints about each other, bring both parties into your office and have them talk to each other. Act as a neutral party and facilitator. This will help employees learn how to be direct and sends the message that they need to learn how to manage their own conflicts. If your employees don’t have the skills to manage their own conflicts, send them to a conflict management workshop.
  • Train or Explain – Help your employees develop good communication skills, such as using “I” messages and feedback models. Using the following model (DESC) when giving feedback to your employees will teach them how to use it as well.
D – Describe the behavior or event without any judgments or assumptions regarding intent. Be specific as if you are videotaping a scenario. Say, “Yesterday, when you started whispering in the staff meeting” rather than “Why were you whispering in the staff meeting?” “Why” questions make people defensive.
E – Express your feelings or explain the impact the person’s actions had on you or others. Say, “I was embarrassed (feelings) because the CEO was there and it reflected badly on our office” (impact). People rarely see the impact of their own behavior and this brings their attention to it.
S – Specify what you want the person to do differently in the future. Say, “In the future, I’m counting on you to act professionally in all of our staff meetings.”
C – Consequences for changing. Positive reinforcement tends to motivate and move people towards action more effectively. “Thanks for being so responsive to my concerns. Your contributions are always valuable and I want to ensure that they will be seen in a positive light.”

These tips will help you reduce the destructive behavior among women on your team and allow the movie, “Mean Girls” to be about adolescence, not your work force.

© Kari Uman 2006

Women to Women Relationships

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Destructive Dynamics That Can Impact Teams

Many women bring to office relationships a sensitivity that enhances teamwork. A few who don’t bring that kind of sensitivity seem to create endless frictions, especially with their female colleagues. To some of us observing this behavior it feels disturbingly familiar, like a deja vu of seventh grade, when the girls spent most of the day gossiping, backstabbing, and sabotaging one another. Sad to say, your observation is accurate; these destructive dynamics between and among female co-workers look like adolescent behavior because it is. Young women learn to interact this way with one another in their adolescent years and you are seeing the same behavior transferred to the workplace.

This revelation came to me recently as I thought about the behavior of my 14-year-old daughter and her friends. My daughter, whom I will call Laura, has always been socially adept, surrounded by a large group of friends. But when she was eleven or so, she and her girlfriends began to behave in a disturbing way: whenever they were together they would trash some girl (not present, of course) who they had decided no longer made it with their group and was on the outs. They examined this poor girl’s every action and found it worthy of scorn; they belittled her, gossiped about her and either ostracized her completely or kept her in the crowd just so they could make fun of her. The girls in the “in crowd” engaged in passive aggressive behavior (behavior which was not direct but done covertly) to establish and maintain a position of power over the girls on the “outs” who were often helpless to do anything about their one-down position.

Several recent books describe this phenomena and the damage it does to girls’ self-esteem. What has struck me after reading these books and listening to interviews with some of the girls who were their subjects, is that this behavior is damaging to all the girls — the attackers as well as the attacked. It takes a tremendous amount of effort and energy to carry out this kind of passive aggressive behavior. Think of the energy and courage it takes the girls on the “outs” to get through each day. And think of the fear and insecurity this behavior breeds: every girls knows that tomorrow she may be the odd girl out, the one who can’t do anything right.

So if we fast-forward 15, 20 and 30 years, you see some women in your workplace, trapped in the behaviors they learned in their middle school lunchrooms. I am sorry to report that what you are experiencing is commonplace. My experience as a coach (and a woman) has convinced me that many women use passive-aggressive behavior (behavior that is neither direct nor obvious about who is the instigator) to deal with anger, frustration, and powerlessness in the workplace — and that their focus is often other women. While there are many explanations — power, politics and different behavioral expectations for women than for men — the results are the same: lots of energy expended on managing these dynamics rather than on your organization’s mission or your customer’s needs.

Most organizations ignore this behavior because executives have no idea how to deal with it. Too often, they do nothing more than hope that the women engaged in these destructive actions will see the light on their own and miraculously morph into mature professionals. It’s a nice fantasy, but it won’t happen. Intervention is required to help these women change. In my experience, there are three basic ways to create worthwhile change:

  • Individual coaching is appropriate for the women engaged in these unhealthy dynamics. A coach can help them examine their behavior and develop new, more productive strategies for dealing with conflict and frustration. 360° feedback (a mechanism that provides feedback from superiors, peers, subordinates and customers) conducted by written assessment or interviews can provide data from multiple perspectives to the individual/s. The data can help them understand serious negative consequences their adolescent behavior has on peers, customers and on the organization as a whole.
  • Team/group coaching is an alternative or complementary approach that can help members of the group establish norms of behavior to which they will hold themselves and others accountable while creating a positive framework for team behavior. It also addresses the insidious dynamics that causes otherwise adult individuals to behave immaturely.
  • Mentoring from a woman in a leadership role (perhaps within one’s own organization) who exemplifies professional behavior can serve as a model for other women. The female leader can provide real-time feedback to women who want to change their behavior and help them develop strategies for handling specific situations.

Here’s an example. I was recently asked to intervene at a mid-sized company where problems with a high performing female vice-president had reached a crisis point. The VP’s four female subordinates had recently gone over her head to a higher ranking executive and announced that they would all quit because they could no longer tolerate their boss’s emotionally abusive behavior any longer. These subordinates recognized that their boss was under a great deal of stress due to an unreasonably strenuous workload. Nevertheless, they were unwilling to work for someone who voiced criticism of them publicly, was dismissive, condescending, and unapproachable, and demonstrated no interest in them as people. This was not the first time senior management had heard complaints about the Vice-President, but the situation had not previously reached this level of friction.

The Senior Executive, needing to respond to the complaints but also wanting to keep a valued and productive Vice-President, decided to bring in a coach to defuse the situation. That’s where I came in. In partnership with a male colleague, we proposed a two-track process. We would both work with the VP in a two-on-one coaching arrangement and work with her subordinates as a group, parallel to our work with the VP.

We began by interviewing all of the parties and used the data to help the VP design an action plan focused on the behaviors she needed to change. She focused on being more available, listening more attentively and providing constructive, private feedback. We assigned her readings, self-observations, activities and practices to help her become aware of her own behavior and change it over time. To prevent the subordinates from undermining the VP as she attempted to change, we also met with them as a group on a monthly basis to help them sort out their feelings and expectations. This helped them make their own behavioral changes in the way they dealt with the VP. By the end of the six-month process, the VP had changed her behavior substantially and the team was willing both to support those changes and gently confront her when she reverted to “default” behavior.

Twenty years ago, women in management were rare birds. That’s not true today when women dominate many workplaces and companies. So recognizing and dealing with this all-too-common problem is essential to maintaining a successful, functioning organization. Women can bring really positive qualities to the workplace. When they work together, they can be wonderfully supportive, productive and help each other move up in the organization. On the other hand, they can undermine organizational spirit and customer service when they lapse into destructive passive aggression that drains, rather than creates, energy and morale. So if you want to get the best from the women in your organization, don’t avoid the issues. Intervene and give women (and their male co-workers) the tools they need to change.

© Kari Uman 2004

New Women Managers

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Communication Strategies that Promote Success

by Kari F. Uman, M.Ed., President, Uman Resources Associates, Inc.

Loudoun County Chamber of Commerce NewsletterWomen who are new to management positions sometimes discover that their learned communication style works better in personal rather than professional settings. Here are three solid communication strategies that will help you manage yourself and work more effectively with your superiors, peers and employees:

    1. Set limits and learn to say “no”
      Many women in new managerial positions want to succeed so they do whatever peers, superiors and even their subordinates ask of them. This leads to resentment and burnout. Here are some guidelines to consider when setting limits:Know what you want and don’t want to do by assessing your:

      Time – how long will what is asked of you take?
      Energy – how much energy will you have to expand? Will it fill up or drain you?
      Skills – are these skills you already have? Do you want a new challenge that will increase yours skills?
      Desire – how much do you really want to do this? And what will be the benefit to you and/or the organization?

      If you suspect that saying no is damaging to your career, suggest a workable compromise so that you don’t have to take on the whole task.

    2. Make complete requests
      If you need to get others to take action, requests need to be clear, have a time frame, and any specific information that is pertinent to the success of the request. Make sure you include the following components:

      Requester: who is asking? (not, “we need to do this”)
      Listener: who is being asked? (not, “will someone do this for me?”)
      Future Action: What do I want you to do?
      Condition of Satisfaction: How will I know it’s been done?
      Establish a shared context: Verify assumptions. What does “review” mean?
      Time: by when?

      Here’s an example of a complete request: “Claudia, please review this document for me and correct my mistakes. This includes correcting typos and spelling, changing grammar, and re-writing any sentences that are not clear. I need to have this finished by 5 o’clock today. Do you need any further information?”

    3. Give clear, direct feedback
      If you need to give an employee negative feedback, use the “DESC” feedback model–it can help you communicate all the information effectively:

      Describe the behavior or event without any judgments or assumptions about intent. Be specific as if you are videotaping a scenario. Say, “Yesterday, when you came into the meeting 20 minutes late…” rather than “You always come late to meetings.” Otherwise, the employee can legitimately identify times when he/she was not late and therefore can dismiss the message.

      Express your feelings or explain the impact the person’s actions had on you or others. Say, “I was embarrassed because the CEO was there and it reflects badly on me and our office.” Yes, it is OK to express feelings. Your body language is expressing your feelings anyway so you may as well acknowledge them.

      Specify what you want the person to do in the future. Say, “In the future, I’m counting on you to arrive to meetings on time.”

      Communicate your belief in their ability to change. Positive reinforcement tends to motivate and move people towards action more effectively. “Your contribution is always valuable and I have no doubt you will be sensitive to my concern.”

      Following these tips will go a long way towards your success as a manager.

© Kari Uman 2004

Articles For and About Women at Work

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Lessons I’ve Learned

Loudoun County Chamber of Commerce Newsletter

Use honey, not Vinegar: A Sense of Humor Can Serve You Well

You know the old expression “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?” Well, this applies to the kinds of situations women often encounter at work where men say things they find offensive, or alienating. Sometimes women just feel left out of a discussion because there is too much “how about them Redskins” banter.

As women, you have choices about how to respond, but being able to handle delicate situations with humor will serve you well. If you respond harshly and you remind your listeners of the wicked witch of the West, you will most likely be called the “b” word. Over time, others’ perception of you may limit your chances of moving up in an organization because senior managers promote people they find easy to work with and having a sense of humor makes every day more pleasant. Besides, people appreciate being chided with humor rather than scolded. Criticism creates defensiveness.

If you fall into the category of “humor-challenged” here are some steps you might want to consider taking to “lighten-up”.

  • Self-observation: Find out what your triggers are. Triggers are events or situations that provoke an intense emotional response. First, pay attention to your internal reactions. If you have these kinds of reactions when sexist jokes or inappropriate comments are made:
  • Your stomach gets as tight as a ball,
  • Your jaw begin to clench so your teeth begin to grind uncontrollably
  • Your face gets flushed so you look like a petulant teenager
  • You dig your nails into your hands until they have those little new moon marks on them…….

Then you know these kinds of comments are your triggers. I’m not suggesting that you ignore behavior that is illegal (violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act) but for a while just observe your internal reactions.

Then observe your verbal reactions – what you are saying and how you are responding. Being conscious of your reactions helps you identify the behaviors or actions you might want to modify. If you notice that you sound like the girl in the “exorcist”, you’re on to something.

  • Observation of others: More importantly, though, observe the responses of others if you react angrily or in ways that might be perceived as “haughty.” While you have every right to voice your discomfort, your listeners might, in response, tune you out or get defensive. Their rolling eyeballs, slouched postures and grim faces will be good indicators that they’re unappreciative of your “feedback”. You might want to ask yourself whether you have accomplished your ultimate the goal: Is your goal to just stop the behavior at all costs or also give people information that helps them reflect upon and then change their behavior?
  • Find a role model: Locate a woman in a leadership position in your organization who reacts to situations humorously and gets a positive response from others. If there is no one in your organization, find someone or ask a colleague or friend to recommend a woman in a leadership position whose behavior your might observe. You might want to interview her to find out how she perceives behavior differently than you do, how she chooses to act, and what she has found to be successful.
  • Try reframing the situation: See how others use reframing to respond differently to situations that send you over the edge. Reframing involves changing the context so we see the situation in a new way. For example, you think some man is a total jerk but then you find out he is struggling with a personal problem and he uses his behavior to cover-up his own pain. While you still find his behavior objectionable, you might be more empathetic and willing to suspend judgment.
  • Lastly, find a partner who can help you lighten up. Whenever life just gets too serious, I call one of my girlfriends who I can count on to make me laugh. Then I can face the rest of the day a little lighter and brighter – and my stress level goes down.

Here’s a quick story. I once worked with a female Vice President who hated sports analogies. Every time she heard one, she made a caustic remark and that alienated all of her male colleagues. Her boss wanted to promote her but knew her biting responses was a “hot-button” issue with other staff. He hired me to coach her about her relationships with colleagues. I worked with her for several months and knew she had turned the corner when she used a baseball story in a meeting. While she wasn’t trying to become one of the guys, it sent the message that she was aware of their reactions and making an effort to bring a lighter tone to her interactions with them. You had better believe that the men at the table noticed it and began to see her in a more favorable light. Her promotion several weeks later was accepted and supported by her colleagues.

So the next time you are confronted with behavior that makes you uncomfortable, take a deep breath, remember “honey, not vinegar” and try to bring a little humor to the situation. You’ll be amazed at what happens when you do.

© Kari Uman 2004